“Today, I hit the wall”

“Today, I hit the wall”Do you ever wonder how much more you can take? If you are like me, you are juggling multiple diseases and ailments with new diagnoses popping up on a regular basis. Some are legitimate diseases, some aren’t, but even those that classify as “conditions” or “syndromes” or just “unusual test results” can change your life dramatically. I’ve always wondered just how much more I can handle. People say I’m strong, that I can handle anything, but there has to be a breaking point, right?

I hit that breaking point last week. I saw a new endocrinologist to try and get control of my thyroid and heard three new possible conditions thrown out. I’m in the process of diagnostic tests to determine what the hell is going on.

The three conditions I heard aren’t necessarily worse than lupus or scleroderma, but in combination, they make the entire lot of health problems just too much. And it’s totally unfair. There. I said it. It’s unfair that I have to deal with all of this. It’s unfair that you have to deal with this.

So, I cried. I stifled back tears at the doctor’s office long enough for them to draw some blood—blinking my eyes quickly and engaging in conversation with the nurse about nail salons. “Long enough” equals 45 minutes because of my lousy veins. I raced out to the car, with bandages covering my sore arms, sat in silence and bawled my eyes out. I cried all the way home. I cried some more later in the afternoon. I cried every time a friend sent a supportive message. I cried when my mom emailed me. I cried when I explained the situation to my boyfriend. I cried myself to sleep.

And I cried yesterday. I think I’ve shed some tears every day since my doctor’s appointment.

I know that I have to find a way to climb over this wall. But right now, I’m just hitting my head against it in sadness.

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