Dear Bucko,

I'm sorry to hear about the pending divorce.  Divorces are rarely easy.  First let's assume your brother has seen a physician, had the requisite scans and is healthy.  If he has not, he needs to do this immediately.

Once medical issues are out of the way, it's time to understand that while divorces may sometimes seem like sudden decisions, they rarely are.  A divorce is the result of years, and sometimes decades, of unhappiness.  We all get comfortable with the status quo and so it takes a lot of energy to actually put the legal, psychological, social and economic mechanisms in place to get divorced.  This is why there are so many unhappy marriages. It's just easier for many people to live with the unhappiness they know than venture into the unknown.

It is possible that after your brother's hiking accident he thought about his own mortality -- as well as his satisfaction with the life he has created -- and decided to make a change.  After 43 years of marriage, a divorce will represent an enormous upheaval -- so you might want to think about how you can support him during this transition.

Respecting his decision and allowing him to find the happiness he is missing is a great way to show that you are there for him.

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Dear Callie,

Grieving our lost loved ones is not easy.  We feel that their presence -- their energy -- has been stolen from us, leaving us less than whole.

Please don't admonish yourself for experiencing this.  Grieving is a natural process.

However, ask yourself this:  Would your mother have wanted you to drift aimlessly about, wallowing in endless sorrow?  Your were close to her.  What would she have wanted you to do?  What did the two of you enjoy doing before she passed?

"Moving on" doesn't necessitate radical changes in your life from before.  You can return to the life you loved -- highlighted with the remembrances of your mother and the vitality she brought to everything and everyone around her.

Chin up, young person.  Wherever your mother is now, I'm sure she'd enjoy seeing you smile.

-- M

Dear Ollie,

Take control.

Communicate to your mother that you've reached an age at which you must strike out on your own -- make your own successes and mistakes.  If you haven't done so already, move out.  Put space between you.

If you don't, you'll only remain miserable.

-- M

Dear Stephanie,

First, ask your friends directly why they feel this way.  I'm betting that, despite the happiness you feel on the inside, you project to them an air of unhappiness, bitterness or criticism.

Many of us do this -- it's a learned trait in conversation.  We don't know how to keep a discussion going if we're not bemoaning this or complaining about that.

Try focusing on the positive in your comments and the subjects you broach.

-- M