Every morning when I turn on my computer and boot up my e-mail, a lovely post appears from a fiery woman named Danielle LaPorte.  Her blog is titled White Hot Truth and I never know what will show up -- a song, a quote, a poem, a musing.

Today it was a simple question written in large script across the page:

What are you tolerating?

Isn't that a great question?

We tolerate so many things, letting them accumulate on the edges -- and sometimes even in the center of our lives.  Unanswered letters, cluttered desks and drawers, cars that need to be fixed, freezers that overflow so we can't get one more thing in them.  All of these are irritating tolerations that distract us a hundred times a day.

Then there are the larger, more insidious tolerations.  We tolerate thoughts that eat up our precious energy:  "I can't, it doesn't matter, it's not worth the effort."

We allow ourselves to tolerate relationships that don't support our growth, less-than-ideal self-care, and work that is dead-end.

We rationalize this -- but we let so many things stay in place because we're ... what?  You fill in the blank.

We don't put forth the effort to make a change.

I learned a long time ago that our tolerations actively sap our energy.  For every undone project and every jam-packed clutter zone, we pay a price.  A tiny bit of energy drains out.  If you are tolerating lots of things, your energy deficit may be larger than your energy credit.

When you live with a chronic illness, this is an expensive way to go.  You need your energy, your initiative, your sense of power and control.

You can take that energy back.  It is a simple process.

Start eliminating those tolerations.

I suggest people begin with a list.  Don't worry about how many items there are -- or how minor they seem.  Every one counts.  Write them all down.

Look for the easiest ones to eliminate.

Decide what you can do today and tomorrow.  Do two or three.  Then pick five to cross off by next week.

I once worked with someone who needed new glasses and hadn't taken the time to go to the eye doctor.  She also was out of checks, and got behind on bills, and her daughter was toddling around in shoes that were too small.  Then there were minor things like a car inspection, and a hall closet where you couldn't hang up anything because it was full of coats no one was wearing.  She had a longer list, but this was where she decided to start.

Three weeks into the project, she was feeling stronger and happier and more in charge.  She even felt that her arthritis was improved.

I think it had a lot to do with not feeling so overwhelmed and stuck.

What are you tolerating?  What will you do about that today?  This week?

When you get rid of them, I promise you will feel better -- in lots of ways!

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"Emotional Wellness Helps RA" is the title of a recent post on PsychCentral that caught my eye:

http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/08/05/emotional-wellness-helps-ra/7550.html

The incidence of depression among people with RA is twice that of the general population.  An additional study found that when spouses and partners of those with RA are depressed it correlates with a poorer prognosis for the person with RA.

Being emotionally healthy is essential for those who have RA and for their family -- it can alter the course of the disease and supports better pain control.

So how do you become "emotionally healthy"?

What the studies look at is depression -- that feeling of hopelessness, powerlessness and the sense that things will never change.  Other symptoms of depression can be persistent anger, sleeplessness (or always wanting to sleep), or an overall grey feeling -- nothing seems good or worth looking forward to.

These feelings can creep up and subtly worsen over time.  Early intervention is the best way to stave off a more serious bout of depression.

Yet most people don't treat depression.  They hope it will just go away.  They don't want to be whiners, or feel "weak."  Many folks also don't want to take more pills or feel like they have another disease, so they just try to ignore those downbeat thoughts.  They try to "act" cheerful or okay.

The bad news is that this strategy doesn't work.  And depression is wily and tenacious once it takes hold.

Dealing with it early is the most effective approach.  Here are a few ways to start if you find yourself regularly feeling blue or blah:

Talk to Somebody

Find a neutral, supportive person who can listen.  It is best to rely on someone who knows something about depression -- a religious leader, or a medical support person like a nurse or therapist.  Many communities have free or low-cost clinics that can be a great place of help and hope.

Talking to a professional can help you put your concerns in the hands of someone who is an expert in these matters.  You will get lots of good advice and perspective.

Physical Movement

This is free, easy, and one of the most researched tools to combat depression.  I didn't say exercise because that can connote a huge program that feels too overwhelming before you even begin.  What helps is just getting your body in motion.  A short walk every day.  Moving some parts of your body -- stretching, breathing, whatever you can do.

The more often you get your self moving each day, the more it helps.

Humor

OK, you don't find very much funny.  But laughing out loud or a good chuckle lifts your spirits and shifts your brain chemistry.  What tickles each of our funny bones is very individual, so you may have to experiment.  Is it a silly spot on YouTube?  An old movie like When Harry Met Sally?  Jokes from the Reader's Digest?  Jon Stewart?

Give yourself the prescription of two funny contacts a day.

Create Community

Who is in your tribe?  Pain and depression lead to isolation, which makes pain and depression worse.  Where are your friends?  To whom do you talk?  Facebook friends and chat rooms are a good place to begin, but be willing to move on to real-time relationships.  Invite someone for coffee.  Go out for breakfast after church or temple.

I know, you don't feel like doing this.  It's hard.  I get it.  Your cave feels safe.  But you need to get into the world and be around people.  Set a goal.  One outreach in two days.  Then you can build from there.

One of my favorite blogs is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  The other day she had this great line:  "The absence of feeling bad isn't enough to make you feel good -- you must strive to find sources of feeling good."

As always, you are in charge, and your sources of feeling good are particular to you.  Remember it is an active process -- not a passive one.  Follow the practice of identifying what these sources of feeling good are.  You have to be willing to act on what you know and feel.

Depression is tough -- but I know you can take the first step towards healing.

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Someone recently asked me a question about a relationship with a close friend.

This person was feeling guilty because plans were made and, once again, she suddenly wasn't feeling well.  Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) symptoms took over, and the pain and fatigue meant that she had to cancel.

"I keep disappointing people I love," she said. "How can I figure out how to do this better?"

Several answers came to mind -- and she told me it was OK if I shared my thoughts with you.  I hope you'll also send in any reactions you have and successful ways that you deal with this common but irritatingly repetitive issue.

First, I wondered who was the most disappointed by the cancellations.  It is possible that the person who has the flare-up is really the one most upset -- usually our friends and family love us and want to help.  Some parents feel anxious about letting their children down.  That's natural -- we want to be reliable for our children.  But even small people are amazingly resilient and they are usually eager to be helpful and supportive.  I find that most impact falls on the person with the arthritis, and there is a tendency to project that disappointment and imagine that others are feeling let down and hurt or upset.  Usually this just isn't true.

But what if it is?  This leads back to my familiar refrain, one I keep saying because it is hard to practice:  You won't know if it's true until you ask.  You must talk about what's going on.

We love to be mindreaders, though none of us is very good at it.  Instead of saying, "I feel lousy today, and I feel even worse because I'm not going to be able to follow through on what we planned," we use whatever our favorite fallback is.

Maybe you withdraw, or you are the kind who anticipates a negative response -- so you get defensive before anything even happens.  Some of us play out scenarios in our minds, but never have the actual conversation.  You know your typical style.

A healthier way to go is to start the real conversation and acknowledge that you own disappointment -- and ask for feedback about where the other person is.  Some folks are trying their hardest not to let their RA have any space in their life -- but really the denial doesn't serve you, or your tribe.  Let them in.  Gather up your courage and state how you feel.  Let those who love you tell you how they feel.  Then you can move on.

A final practical suggestion:  You can build in "back-up" plans.  This requires some advance thinking, but it can help ease some of the pressure you may put on yourself.

If you find you have to postpone outings with a child, keep some good activities on hand.  These may be games, DVDs, books, -- things that your child loves, but only gets to do when you have to change plans.  Some of these things might be activities you can do when you're not feeling so well, and some might be things that are done alone.

You can adapt this idea for grownups, too.

What might you choose to do with a partner when you have to shift activities?  Maybe she likes particular TV programs or movies that you don't ordinarily like to watch.  A treat could be keeping her company during that sporting event or agreeing to sit close for a chick flick.  Letting the other person pick their favorite takeout, or being willing to sit outside with them when they garden -- or even play cards or a board game if that is something they like to do, and you ordinarily wouldn't join in -- can be fun and nourishing for your relationship.

I know one mother who couldn't attend her son's soccer game.  I suggested that she would watch him play a computer game and learn about it.  She really didn't like computer games at all, usually trying to avoid the whole subject when he talked about it.  But her son was passionate about computer games, and enjoyed demonstrating how proficient he was.  More was built in their relationship when she set aside her prejudice -- and sat beside him learning about this world he loved -- than could have been gained by her sitting on the sidelines, where she felt a "good" mother should be.

The object of the exercise is to know that at times you may need to shift course, but you still want to do something together.

Thinking of some alternatives ahead of time can make you feel more in control, and the person with whom you want to be feel your caring presence.  Along with that flexibility is the willingness to talk about how you feel and invite the same in response.  This practice will make your life much richer than mindreading ever could!

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Some of my clients are anxious all the time -- it is as chronic as their disease. Others have an attack of nerves now and then.

But what they all have in common is a desire to "get rid" of the feeling -- to banish butterflies, a tense stomach, racing thoughts, or clenched muscles. Often that's the question they bring up first -- How can I calm down? How can I stop being so worried, or nervous, or tense?

It is a reasonable question. Worry takes a toll on our bodies and on our minds. We are less productive and less happy when anxiety stalks us.

But anxiety can also be a gift.

"What?!" I can imagine you thinking. What kind of gift could anxiety ever bring?

I am not thinking of the ongoing, unrelenting kind, but those first signal flares. Most of us know we are anxious, not because of what we are thinking but because of what we are doing or how we feel. Our memory starts to fail -- "What am I dong in this room?" Our tight throat or unfocused mind may be telling us something. Sometimes we don't realize that worry has crept in. The little thought starts to circulate, "Uh oh, I'm having trouble with the stairs. This is going to turn into a full-blown attack."

The thoughts may slide in under the radar, but the clenched jaw or headache shows up and waves, "Hey! You are worrying!"

Once you notice what's going on, you can address the sneaky and misguided thoughts.

Another "gift" from anxiety is it helps you pinpoint what really matters to you. Maybe you are anxious about a conversation you need to have with your partner or friend.

Have a little Q and A with your feelings. "Am I anxious that they are going to reject me?" No, that's not a worry. "Is it that I think they'll be mad?" No, that doesn't feel quite right either. "Maybe I'm anxious because it is hard for me to tell the truth about what I need." Yes! That's it -- I'm worried about being vulnerable.

OK, now your anxiety has shown you the way and what you need to address in yourself so that you can feel safe to talk about important things.

A major effect of living with a chronic illness is that there are so many things to worry about -- so many scary reports and symptoms. The anxiety can become so constant that it is hard to separate out what specific situations are fueling the latest bout of worry.

Yet to spend a little time sorting and querying inside yourself is worth the effort. Once you understand what worries and scares you the most, you can begin to take a more reassuring tone with yourself. When you learn to dial the worry back, you create different thought habits.

One of the habit changes may be to take a different approach to the worry. Instead of resisting or banishing our anxious feelings, what if we opened our arms and said, "Yes, tell me what you know -- let me listen instead of wanting to push you away"?

Then you spend some moments deeply breathing, allowing the anxiety to be absorbed by the strong loving pulse of your heart. You can be grateful that your body can let you know when it is scared or nervous, but you don't have to remain in that state.

It's a message. And when it is received, you can let it go.

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