Last weekend I had the great opportunity to meet Sara Nash (from the Single Gal's Guide to RA blog).

She is as fun and funny in person as she is on her blog.  We spent time talking about dating and creating relationships, both romantic and other.  Sara shared her experiences, and some heartfelt questions.

In honor of St. Valentine's Day, I will pass along some of the wisdom and humor we gathered together.

Loving and Being Loved is an Important and Essential Part of Life.

It can be tempting to believe that it's "just not worth the effort" to extend yourself and create some meaningful relationships.  When you don't feel well, or perhaps you see yourself as damaged, or compromised, it is also a temptation to believe you're not worth it.

Neither of those beliefs is accurate.

Finding someone to love -- and being willing to let yourself be loved -- is one of the greatest gifts we can receive or share.  It can take some intention, some willingness to risk, and a dash of humor, but a loving relationship is possible -- and incredibly nourishing.

Commit Yourself to the Process.

Relationships don't "just happen."

There is often some tricky trial and error.

Sara and some others at our meeting talked about some "off" experiences -- dates who didn't "get" her, or who left because of the diagnosis of RA.

Well, isn't that their loss????

It's no fun to feel rejected, but sometimes these experiences are the only way to sort the keepers from the not-so-good ones.

Then it comes back to your own confidence -- that you are a gutsy, interesting, many-faceted prize.

You are more than your diagnosis -- it doesn't define you, and it is not the most important part of your self-understanding.

It is piece of your life, a shade of your color, but not your dominant hue.

You may have some inner work to do to know you are lovable and have a lot to give -- and if I'm talking to you, get started!

You may have work to do to put your intention out in the world, and put yourself in the path of relationships.  This requires some planning and some effort, but this is also doable.

Committing to the process is a good place to get started.

Manage the Unpredictable.

That sounds like a contradiction -- how can we manage what isn't known?

With a chronic disease -- that has fatigue and pain as unwelcome companions -- learning to manage and plan for the unseen circumstances can help provide a cushion of time, energy, and space.

As Sara said, "When you have a chronic disease, you learn you have to be very well organized."

That's part of it -- and preparing for contingencies is the other part.

Do you have a quick three- or four-sentence description of your illness, if you would need to explain to someone why you take pills, or why you walk more slowly?

Have you practiced some generic cover lines for times when you don't want to disclose?  If you would need to end a date, or chose an activity that is a little less strenuous than a mountain hike, you don't need to over explain or make yourself feel more vulnerable.

Everybody gets the flu, and many folks don't like to hike or bike.  A simple "I don't think that appeals to me," or "I got an unexpected bug.  I enjoyed our time so far, and I'd like to call you tomorrow when I'm feeling better."

Having some practiced words in your back pocket -- and giving yourself permission -- are two ways you can manage.

You probably have some I haven't thought of, and it's wonderful to share.

If you are beyond the dating and into a long-term relationship -- most of this still applies!

We still need to commit -- and re-commit -- to the process of loving and being loved.  A relationship is a deep gift in our lives -- and also requires intention, attention, and an eye to the unpredictable.

I wish you all well on your journey, and whatever your relationship status, bless yourself with a gift of appreciation and loving thoughts this Valentine's Day.

A valentine from me to you, and a valentine from you to you.

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We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily difference we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.

-- Marion Wright Edelman

The effect of giving on mental and physical health seems to be in the air these days.  A new book by Cami Walker -- 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life -- was recently brought to my attention.  Diagnosed with a progressive illness, holistic healer gave the author a prescription for feeling better:  giving a gift to someone every day for 29 days.  Walker's book is a description of how that benefited not only those who received, but how she -- the giver -- also reaped rewards.

Giving is a practice that researchers have studied.  The benefit seems to be about two things:  giving meaning and a biological boost that may be hardwired. Hands-on volunteering -- that is, work that involves direct contact with people -- seems to hold the most benefit (Psychology Today, 1988).  It is not clear exactly why this works, but the effect is unmistakable:  those with chronic pain feel better, are more able to cope, and possess improved moods.

This is what the professionals like to call a synergistic effect -- it is less cause and effect, and more a subtle weaving together of all the influences into a more healthful and positive state of being.

It doesn't have to be formal volunteer work.

On her new Web site, 29days.org, Walker invites comments and gives ideas about how to give.  She suggests that giving is a way to strengthen your health, along with exercise and medication.  It may be as simple as a note or a phone call.  In a recent article in Yoga Magazine, one of the authors describes her practice of baking a cake for someone every Saturday.  It may be adding a volunteer hour to your week, and doing a less structured act on other days.

If you decide to take on this opportunity, it seems that what is most beneficial is the daily practice that invites you to turn outward to someone else.  That is what reminds us that no matter what the state of our health, we have something to offer, and that there are those who need us.  The emphasis on thinking of others may relieve stress, and it certainly opens our hearts.

The web of connection and relationships made of kindness and openheartedness is the healing balm that spreads in every direction, even in ways we cannot see or know.

We are gearing up for those New Year resolutions.  Do you think you are ready to try the 29 days challenge?  If you do, let me know how it works for you, what you choose to do, and how you feel.

Have a blessed and lively holiday season, and may your New Year be healthy and full of opportunities to give and grow.

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An article on the psychology blog PsychCentral caught my attention.  I was reading articles about dealing with pain, and they reviewed a new study about how to reduce one's subjective experience of physical pain.

That is a fancy way to remind us that pain is made up of two components -- the  physical sensation of the pain, and then the perception (location and intensity) of the pain.  This study looked at perception, and built on previous research that states that people who are alone experience their pain as more severe than people who are with a loved one (and I assume this means a pet as well as a human).

The new study went a step further to see if the photograph of the loved one could also reduce the perception of pain.

Amazingly, it did!

Those who had a picture to look at while having a stimulation of pain registered less pain than the controls.  The researchers also looked at reaction time, just to make sure it wasn't about distraction.

What they found was that the picture seemed to provide a sense of support -- the reminder of being loved and cared for.  That had a positive effect:  the person experienced pain as less painful than the controls who were alone.

The researchers went on to propose that having a picture of someone you love may be beneficial, especially if you can't have that person with you.

Or if your main support isn't so good at being supportive in person, this is a way to feel that presence without needing them to act a certain way.  They conclude, "And, unlike your partner or family member, a photo can't be in a bad mood!"

Let me know if you have ever experimented with this, and if you find it to be true for you.

The study's information:  Master, S.L., et al. (2009). A Picture's Worth: Partner Photographs Reduce Experimentally Induced Pain. Psychological Science. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02444.x

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