A client of mine was struggling.

He has been living with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and working full time.  He supports a growing family and wants to do everything he can to make their lives happy, healthy, and secure.  He loves his wife and wants happiness for her, so he will bend his schedule, take on household maintenance, and shoulder extra chores to make her life easier.

The result of this effort is that he is usually tired, and is regularly overwhelmed.  He doesn't know how to change his life -- and he's not sure he wants to.

My client isn't living this way just because he's a super nice guy (although he is).  He is living a script -- a story he told himself about who he is.  It's a story that makes him feel proud of himself and, even more than that, secure.  He knows what his life is about.  He's a breadwinner.  He's a fix-it guy.  He's reliable.  He can be counted on.

Most of us have a story.  Even when we're not aware, it lurks in the background, under the radar.  It's the story of who we think we are -- and who we're not -- and it is a subtle picture of how we believe life should go.

For my client, life was about responsibility, and also about the satisfaction of being in charge.

Then he had a diagnosis of RA.

His life changed. But his story didn't.

That happens a lot.  We think a diagnosis, or a family trauma, or a loss, or even something wonderful like a new job, shouldn't change us that much.  We move on.  If it's an illness, we treat it like it's just another add-on in our busy lives.

The result is that we miss the challenge and the opportunity that life has given us to grow in a new way.  To live differently and explore other parts of ourselves.  It is not easy.  We usually wouldn't choose the pain, the disruption, or the limitation that life seems to be offering as a pathway.  There are difficult choices.  These may mean saying no to a long held dream, or something we feel we should have.

My client began to suffer from severe flares, and he couldn't do everything for everyone anymore.  He had to ask for help.  He had to let go of some independence, and his story that he was The Go-To Guy in the family.  This was hard -- even humiliating for him.

The process of changing our story is a complicated one.  We are walking in the fog -- inventing ourselves as we go.

When we begin to emerge from these life- and psyche-altering times, there is surprise -- and often good news.  No, our life is not what we thought it should be.  But there are amazing compensations that we could not have imagined.

My client found his wife rose to the challenge of his illness magnificently.  Yes, he had wanted to protect and cherish her.  It was a startling gift to feel protected and cherished by her.  He let go of some of his compulsive management of family life, and found he could be a dad who relaxed as often as he worked.  It wasn't a quick or painless journey.  But as he allowed his story about himself to soften and evolve, he discovered hidden treasures.

I wonder what version of your life story you are clinging to -- and what you can let go of to allow new realities to emerge.

What is the new story you might begin to tell?

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It's the time of year when we're thinking about vacations.

Maybe you are anticipating going away, or perhaps you've already gone.  Some of us are just dreaming about it.

Vacations are essential for everybody -- and particularly for those who have a chronic and painful condition.  The break in routine, the exploration of new sights, the creation of memories and relaxation all contribute to a healthier mind and attitude and body.

Yet we often put that need aside.  "I can't afford to get away!"  That's our usual excuse.

Whether we can't afford the money or the time or the energy, we give up and put vacations on the back burner in our mind.

The reality is that we don't need to go away for a week or even physically leave our homes in order to get some of the best benefits of a vacation.  We can create "mini-retreats" or even brief mental vacations that can offer us some of the best nourishment of a time away.

To do that, there are a few pointers.

"Set the table."

By that, I mean, put aside a little time and prepare for your mental break the way you would for any trip.  Think of where you'd like to go.  And it works especially well if you choose somewhere you've been and loved.  Using your memory and imagination, recall specific details of the place -- smells, sounds, the slant of the light, what you are wearing ... make it detail rich.

Last year my daughter and I took a brief trip to San Francisco for her high school graduation present.  It was one of the best trips of my life -- and I will never be able to repeat it.  So, I have thousands of delicious details tucked away in my mind so I can take that trip again any time I want!

Put lots of wonderful things on the table.

It's a vacation, remember!  So you get to eat, and put your toes in the water, and feel the sun, and listen to the birds and the wind in the trees -- whatever pleases you.

To ramp up your relaxation, use all your senses.  Eat something, listen to certain music, put out a scent.  Have a raspberry, sniff a rose, hold a beach shell.  The more you stimulate your senses, the more you will relax.  Look at pictures that remind you of how happy a time you had and are having again!

Spend as much -- or as little -- time as you please.

You will get the benefits very quickly.  Your pulse will slow, your mind will unclench, you may be breathing a little more easily, and for sure you will find yourself smiling.

That's what happy feels like.  You don't need to do this for very long.  The effects will last for a while.  When you need another break, do it again.

The best effects happen if we practice vacationing regularly -- every day, or twice a day.
You give yourself a big sunshiny happy vitamin.

That's a break we can all afford and it offers a rich payoff.

Bon voyage!

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