While browsing through an article entitled "Perspective: Searching for Balance" in the Harvard Divinity School Bulletin, I came across an idea that intrigued me:  the importance of middle ground.

The author, Kathryn Dodgson, quotes a Nigerian writer, Chinua Achebe. Achebe writes that he is fascinated by the middle ground -- "It is neither the origin of things nor the last things; it is aware of a future to head into and a past to fall back on; it is the home of doubt and indecision, of suspension of disbelief, of make-believe, of playfulness, of the unpredictable, of irony."

My thinking was stimulated by the invitation to consider a  "middle ground" or middle way.  That idea is so out of favor in a culture of extremes.  Political and economic fortunes ride a roller coaster of extremes.  Religious convictions are either fanatical or absent.  We are encouraged to believe in absolutes in relationships, career choices and, of course, in regard to health.  We are considered either healthy or sick, strong or weak, flaring or in remission.

Yet isn't our reality more complicated than that?  None of us are in just one place.

Achebe, in his collection of essays, The Education of a British-Protected Child, writes that his people, the Igbo, prefer not singularity but duality.  Wherever Something Stands, Something Else Will Stand Beside It.  Isn't that a perfect description of life with illness?

We may see this most clearly in our fear -- on good days we are often only too aware that our joint disease Stands Close By.  It is difficult to believe in the singularity of health once chronic illness has struck.

But the reverse is also true -- and here is where we can miss something important.  You have a day where you only feel fatigue and aches.  It may seem that illness is the only reality.  But if you allow yourself to see your body in a larger context, you recognize that your health is also present -- it Stands Beside your fatigue and pain.

The middle ground, the middle way is a reminder that we are never really on one shore or the other -- we are all navigating back and forth, weaving several strands together in our lives.  One of the strands is the illness, one of the strands is our radiant health, one of the strands is pain, one of the strands is energy, and on and on it goes.

You may be wondering, how can this idea aid your daily living?

If you have the mental habit of "either/or" thinking, it can help to shade in a middle ground.  When you ask yourself "How am I feeling today?" -- go beyond "good" or "lousy."  Well, I have some pain in my knee, and the sun is shining on my head -- so there is some pain and some warmth and relaxation.

Look for the Middle Way, not just the extremes, and value it.  We can live in that place -- there is room to embrace more of life, and room for things to happen.  Mystery lives in the middle, as do miracles and possibilities.  This is where communication and community dwell -- where we join hands and hearts.

I look forward to meeting you there.

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Last weekend I had the great opportunity to meet Sara Nash (from the Single Gal's Guide to RA blog).

She is as fun and funny in person as she is on her blog.  We spent time talking about dating and creating relationships, both romantic and other.  Sara shared her experiences, and some heartfelt questions.

In honor of St. Valentine's Day, I will pass along some of the wisdom and humor we gathered together.

Loving and Being Loved is an Important and Essential Part of Life.

It can be tempting to believe that it's "just not worth the effort" to extend yourself and create some meaningful relationships.  When you don't feel well, or perhaps you see yourself as damaged, or compromised, it is also a temptation to believe you're not worth it.

Neither of those beliefs is accurate.

Finding someone to love -- and being willing to let yourself be loved -- is one of the greatest gifts we can receive or share.  It can take some intention, some willingness to risk, and a dash of humor, but a loving relationship is possible -- and incredibly nourishing.

Commit Yourself to the Process.

Relationships don't "just happen."

There is often some tricky trial and error.

Sara and some others at our meeting talked about some "off" experiences -- dates who didn't "get" her, or who left because of the diagnosis of RA.

Well, isn't that their loss????

It's no fun to feel rejected, but sometimes these experiences are the only way to sort the keepers from the not-so-good ones.

Then it comes back to your own confidence -- that you are a gutsy, interesting, many-faceted prize.

You are more than your diagnosis -- it doesn't define you, and it is not the most important part of your self-understanding.

It is piece of your life, a shade of your color, but not your dominant hue.

You may have some inner work to do to know you are lovable and have a lot to give -- and if I'm talking to you, get started!

You may have work to do to put your intention out in the world, and put yourself in the path of relationships.  This requires some planning and some effort, but this is also doable.

Committing to the process is a good place to get started.

Manage the Unpredictable.

That sounds like a contradiction -- how can we manage what isn't known?

With a chronic disease -- that has fatigue and pain as unwelcome companions -- learning to manage and plan for the unseen circumstances can help provide a cushion of time, energy, and space.

As Sara said, "When you have a chronic disease, you learn you have to be very well organized."

That's part of it -- and preparing for contingencies is the other part.

Do you have a quick three- or four-sentence description of your illness, if you would need to explain to someone why you take pills, or why you walk more slowly?

Have you practiced some generic cover lines for times when you don't want to disclose?  If you would need to end a date, or chose an activity that is a little less strenuous than a mountain hike, you don't need to over explain or make yourself feel more vulnerable.

Everybody gets the flu, and many folks don't like to hike or bike.  A simple "I don't think that appeals to me," or "I got an unexpected bug.  I enjoyed our time so far, and I'd like to call you tomorrow when I'm feeling better."

Having some practiced words in your back pocket -- and giving yourself permission -- are two ways you can manage.

You probably have some I haven't thought of, and it's wonderful to share.

If you are beyond the dating and into a long-term relationship -- most of this still applies!

We still need to commit -- and re-commit -- to the process of loving and being loved.  A relationship is a deep gift in our lives -- and also requires intention, attention, and an eye to the unpredictable.

I wish you all well on your journey, and whatever your relationship status, bless yourself with a gift of appreciation and loving thoughts this Valentine's Day.

A valentine from me to you, and a valentine from you to you.

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It's a rainy, ugly day here in January.  There's nothing new happening, and my mood has slowed to a gray haze.

The combination of the weather and the season invite me to think about a kick-start.

I wonder if you are running on fumes and need one, too?  When we're living with chronic pain -- and unpredictable physical and emotional challenges -- our reserves get low.  Something as ordinary as bad weather or a demand from our boss or family can send us into a funk.

I've had fun imagining some quick pick-me-ups that we could use -- ideas that can propel us into a little better space and give us some happy energy.

I'm planning on doing one a day for the next week!  Let me know how it works for you.

Shake Up That Routine

Usually I do the same things in the same order every day.  Yes, this saves time.  But the rut I get into has a limited view.  These ideas are small, and may seem silly, but even a little tweak can release a little energy that can build.

• Go a different way to work or school, or on your carpool today.  It takes a little thinking, but that's the idea!  New sights!  Different vantage point!
• Eat something different for breakfast.  I get stuck on my usual -- what if I made a poached egg?  Or had a new kind of fruit?
• Take a class you've never tried.  On my list is tai chi and pilates.  Yours might include bridge, or Spanish dancing, or Thai cooking.  A short-term commitment to an innovative experience can stimulate your creativity.
• Say no to something.  Give yourself some free space.
• Take 15 minutes to daydream.  Most of us push and rush and tick off to do's with no time to let our minds relax and expand.

Physical Comfort

• Bring some fresh flowers into your home.  A flowering plant.  Start some seeds.  Living green presences can lift our hearts.
• Take a dip into a bath (investing in some good smelling oils or bubbles) or go to a sauna.
• New sheets?  A snuggly comforter?  A better reading light?
• Something to look at from your desk or kitchen table that makes you feel happy.
• If you sometimes get a massage, try a different kind.  If you never get a massage or body treatment, this is a great time of year to try something!  Get a referral from a friend.  Some of my clients like the hot wax treatment on their feet.  Reflexology is an easy way to start.

FUN

• Getting yourself in gear to allow something fun.  That can be a challenge when most of life feels like a long slog up hill.
• What unused gift cards do you have lying around?  A restaurant you haven't gone to, some shopping?  You may have a treat waiting for you that you have put off.
• A board game you haven't pulled out in a while, coffee with a friend, going to a movie, allowing yourself to get and read that fun looking best seller -- you have some ideas of your own that you haven't accessed, and this is a chance to let it happen.
• Some of you are creative -- you write or sew or paint or make jewelry -- but your projects are in a closet or heaped up in a corner of the room.  This is the season to bring them out and make some space and time.  Creative pursuits are the elixir of happiness.  Enjoy.

OK, those are my quick start ideas.  It can be hard to move yourself from slug pace towards something that will give you a mental and physical lift, but it's worth it!

Let me know how it goes.

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