Last weekend I had the great opportunity to meet Sara Nash (from the Single Gal's Guide to RA blog).

She is as fun and funny in person as she is on her blog.  We spent time talking about dating and creating relationships, both romantic and other.  Sara shared her experiences, and some heartfelt questions.

In honor of St. Valentine's Day, I will pass along some of the wisdom and humor we gathered together.

Loving and Being Loved is an Important and Essential Part of Life.

It can be tempting to believe that it's "just not worth the effort" to extend yourself and create some meaningful relationships.  When you don't feel well, or perhaps you see yourself as damaged, or compromised, it is also a temptation to believe you're not worth it.

Neither of those beliefs is accurate.

Finding someone to love -- and being willing to let yourself be loved -- is one of the greatest gifts we can receive or share.  It can take some intention, some willingness to risk, and a dash of humor, but a loving relationship is possible -- and incredibly nourishing.

Commit Yourself to the Process.

Relationships don't "just happen."

There is often some tricky trial and error.

Sara and some others at our meeting talked about some "off" experiences -- dates who didn't "get" her, or who left because of the diagnosis of RA.

Well, isn't that their loss????

It's no fun to feel rejected, but sometimes these experiences are the only way to sort the keepers from the not-so-good ones.

Then it comes back to your own confidence -- that you are a gutsy, interesting, many-faceted prize.

You are more than your diagnosis -- it doesn't define you, and it is not the most important part of your self-understanding.

It is piece of your life, a shade of your color, but not your dominant hue.

You may have some inner work to do to know you are lovable and have a lot to give -- and if I'm talking to you, get started!

You may have work to do to put your intention out in the world, and put yourself in the path of relationships.  This requires some planning and some effort, but this is also doable.

Committing to the process is a good place to get started.

Manage the Unpredictable.

That sounds like a contradiction -- how can we manage what isn't known?

With a chronic disease -- that has fatigue and pain as unwelcome companions -- learning to manage and plan for the unseen circumstances can help provide a cushion of time, energy, and space.

As Sara said, "When you have a chronic disease, you learn you have to be very well organized."

That's part of it -- and preparing for contingencies is the other part.

Do you have a quick three- or four-sentence description of your illness, if you would need to explain to someone why you take pills, or why you walk more slowly?

Have you practiced some generic cover lines for times when you don't want to disclose?  If you would need to end a date, or chose an activity that is a little less strenuous than a mountain hike, you don't need to over explain or make yourself feel more vulnerable.

Everybody gets the flu, and many folks don't like to hike or bike.  A simple "I don't think that appeals to me," or "I got an unexpected bug.  I enjoyed our time so far, and I'd like to call you tomorrow when I'm feeling better."

Having some practiced words in your back pocket -- and giving yourself permission -- are two ways you can manage.

You probably have some I haven't thought of, and it's wonderful to share.

If you are beyond the dating and into a long-term relationship -- most of this still applies!

We still need to commit -- and re-commit -- to the process of loving and being loved.  A relationship is a deep gift in our lives -- and also requires intention, attention, and an eye to the unpredictable.

I wish you all well on your journey, and whatever your relationship status, bless yourself with a gift of appreciation and loving thoughts this Valentine's Day.

A valentine from me to you, and a valentine from you to you.

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(Thank you to CJ member Renee' for the title.)

Ah yes, endorphins.

Research shows that increases in the brain molecules called endorphins help with pain relief.

Most recommendations for increasing that magical brain substance include exercise -- or some kind of physical activity.  That can be tough when you have RA or some other form of arthritis.

So what are other ways you can get those brain chemicals in motion?

Suggestions include:

• laughing (rent a funny movie, hang out with a silly friend or a toddler, look on the lighter side)
• meditation
• listening to music
• eating chocolate
• and enjoying sex

But I have also been wondering about the feeling that you get when you are involved with creative activities.

It may not be a strictly scientific premise, but it is based on my experiences with friends and clients. When we have creative pursuits, our brains and our bodies, and even our souls, feel better.

We get hung up on that big word "creative."

"I'm not creative" is what so many people have said to me. They are victims of grade school shut down where being "artistic" meant you followed some very strict rules that led to a product judged good or bad.

You can re-claim your creative side -- it is accessible to all of us. It may even be more imperative for those who live with a chronic illness.

Why?

Being creative allows something larger than our own limited lives to flow through us. It accesses potential, imagination, and hope. You become part of a flow of life that has no barriers or boundaries. It is almost the opposite of living with a limiting disease.

What are the ways to lean into your creativity?

The answers are as varied as all of you reading or hearing this! Whatever makes you feel more alive as you do it is a part of your native artistry. My first hint is -- don't box yourself in with some prefab definition of "creative."

Open your senses and your imagination.

What do you make or do that engages you?  Some people I work with make what we might term traditional art. They paint, draw, work with clay, and write. Yes, even with hands that have been affected by RA they work with clay and draw! Some of them tell me that when they are absorbed in learning to do these things, they lose time, they feel almost like they are in a trance.

And they aren't tracking pain.

Other people are artists in their lives. They arrange their home, cook, blog about something they enjoy, make music mixes on CD's, create parties and activities that bless all those who participate. They are living their creative side.

Of course I've only touched on the obvious. There are photographers, parents, basketmakers, programmers, musicians, tailors, gardeners and so many others who play with the material world.

That's a key aspect:  play. Arranging the stuff of life into a new form. Having fun, letting something emerge -- all of that is allowing your creativity to blossom.

Why don't you fool around with that today?  Listen to what you are longing to do. Listen to your instinctive or intuitive self. Then act on it -- take a step.

It may take some time and practice, to coax that side of you out. Remind the shy artist within that it's safe. It's not about judgment or perfection, but about enjoyment.

Let me know how it goes -- and if your experience is that creating does make a difference in your quality of life.

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In the September/October issue of Arthritis Self Management, Victoria Ruffing R.N. writes an excellent piece titled "Intimacy." She begins with the premise that "feelings and attitudes toward sex are quite complicated."

Well, yeah. But she goes forward in a clear and thoughtful way to discuss communication, setting the stage, the power of touch, medicines and more, and comfort.

I found her suggestions to be useful and hopefully easy to do.

For instance, in the communication section she advises getting clear about your own needs and desires. She asks readers to examine their own attitudes before addressing their partner.

Questions like:

• "Do I react negatively when my partner wants to have sex?"
• "What are my preferred sexual activities?"
• "Am I willing to try new positions that will put less stress on injured or painful joints?"

She offers advice that may seem simple -- "take advantage of your good days" -- but we often haven't thought of it.

Make sure you are warm and that your environment is warm -- take a bath or shower, warm the bed with an electric blanket or flannel sheets.

Check the side effects of your medication -- and if that is contributing to your problems, speak with your doctor or rheumatology nurse.

Ruffing's top item is to "make yourself comfortable" and she gives many specific positions and suggestions so that you can "enjoy the journey!"

I encourage you to seek out this article.  (Available in the Sept./Oct. Arthritis Self Management magazine at your local library or bookseller, or by ordering online at www.arthritisselfmanagement.com.)

Another article had a slightly different perspective to offer. It was less about the practicalities, and more about research into chronic inflammatory disease and sexuality.

Most of the research in this area is conducted by assuming there are problems. Checklists are constructed and answers are limited to questions that deal with problems.

A different kind of research was done, asking women to describe the sexual effects of their illness in their own words.

A surprising finding was that some women found improved sexuality and relationships, even as they dealt with physical and emotional issues. The researchers posit that these positive sexual outcomes are important to note and explore further. [The study was done by Arno Karlen and published in Sexuality and Disability, Vol 20 (3), Fall 2002, 191-208.]

This stimulated my imagination because it helps focus on what some of the upside of these painful chronic diseases may be. Perhaps increased tenderness and a willingness to take time is part of the improvement.

Someone who is ill may find their partner really is caring and attentive, which improves communication and trust. Other benefits may be a deeper closeness that comes with fighting a battle together.

I am interested and wonder if any of you can expand on these findings with your own story?

I'd love to hear -- and I'm sure other readers would, too!

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